I sit here and I have flashbacks of a life in my hometown. A life that is familiar to me I can tap into the very feelings I felt as a lil girl. If I was to share that with someone close they would see it as a weakness in me. I see it as a beautiful strength. I don’t dwell on the woes of my past; they are not a weight on me. They are reminders of how I used to be. Everybody says get over it, and I have. But the truth remains. I will never forget it. It’s apart of me and the reason I am strong. I do have my weakness, but that’s why I am growing with every climb in life. I forget sometimes how easily I can let myself go and give everything I have to others.
When I was 12, a elderly lady at my grandfather church told me that “there is something special in you.” I didn’t get it then. However, five years ago my grandfather told me that “you know Shana I don’t think I ever told you this but you are a special person….. “ Like me, I laughed it off. He then says “I’m not laughing I’m serious, you should know that.” I smiled but I still didn’t get it. A few nights ago, my ex-husband and I had a conversation about me and how I was reacting to my crew and how I’m letting things affect me in my life. He told me “Shana’, you have always been a person who gives too much of yourself and you can’t help it. So you tend let your feelings get hurt and overreact when you don’t always receive it the way you give it.”
Right then it hits me, it’s a weakness and a strength. To give….. I never thought about how deep the phrase could go. I give and give and give, not just things, but myself. I lose all focus on me and give everything to the ones I love. I did it so much growing up I never had anything for myself. I ended up in the same place every time down and alone. Down from giving too much and alone, because I never asked or looked for it back. When it was time to find “Shana” I could barely find myself. After four years I got to see her and really who she is. I found me, and I loved me living for me.
A year ago my life took a turn that I was not ready for. I lost touch with myself and everything I found in me in the last four years. I got sweep of my feet and endured a lot of pain. I faced it and got knocked down. I just didn’t know my own strength. When my crew found me, I was in a low place and when I found them I found such a deep love at a time, where I felt so low, I didn’t seem to have much to love about myself anyway. And I found something that made me feel needed again made me breathe and be excited about life I found something to give myself to. I let myself get so deep without really just being me. I hide it away in a place where I felt like I was protecting myself. It’s easy to say be you no matter what. When the reality of being who you really are has to be able to take on an I don’t give a fuck attitude so to speak. The truth about being yourself is you really can’t care about what anyone thinks of you. And although I agree with that statement whole heartedly I also know how judgmental a person can be without even knowing it. “Loyalty of the heart” and “giving from the soul” two godly traits. Doing too much of anything good, can go bad.
I have come full circle in a year and I now sit in a place where I sat a year ago. But there is a lot different about the person sitting here. I had to find me again and that’s always a process. I grew up on the defensive team of Dorika Shana Chappell. I did whatever I could do to protect the weakest part of me—my emotions. I now sit here as a grown woman in a different position on the same team, and now I am gaining points in favor of me not scared of who may score on me. I am seen as many things but at least when I’m even at my weakest I’m still being me. This is my process of elevating through life and finding the most peaceful way to live it and still be me. I have to thank my crew. Being around them has taught me so much and though we have had many misunderstandings. At the end of the day,, the love they have me is shown. I know that and never have to question it. The Fakulte to me is not just a group a crew or my team, they are my family. They have played the biggest role in my life the last six months and I have personally grown tremendously since i have met them. Not to mention they reminded me of some important things that I forgot. Another year and that’s another level for me.
I love those that always love me through my growing process. I love those who just don’t get my growing process. But I have to love me the most. I never tried to change anything about the person I am for another person but I will always work to change my flaws and weakness. The steps are far and in between, but each step taught me something that I needed to learned or gave me a lesson that I needed to be refreshed on.
When I think about my home town I think about the girl I use to be
And my home town now is the woman I have grown to be
No matter where your hometown is through time there is always change in and around it.
My home town is where I choose to be.
In my hometown.
Chappell
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